The New Exponent

By Steven Allen
Staff Writer

Every so often in life, we have a moment where everything just falls together and creates the perfect storm of greatness, and this is one of those times in my life. Let me first say that this is not at all a political or religious statement, nor will I go into detail about my political or spiritual beliefs here. If you want to talk politics or religion, track me down! We’ll talk, but be prepared to be wrong if we disagree! (I’m just kidding, but in a serious manner.) Anyhow, on with this installment of Arbitrary Thoughts…

Shortly after the 2008 presidential election, my fourteen year-old cousin approached me looking visibly distraught.

“Hey, Steven, do you like Obama?” he asked me.

“I dunno. I’ve never met him. Why?” I responded in my signature blend of wit and charm.

“Well, we watched a video in school about him. Did you know that he’s the Anti-Christ? His eyes glow red! They showed it in that video!” he said.

He was completely serious. I simply tried not to laugh openly at him before explaining to my gullible cousin about propaganda and how a private Christian school might have some agenda against the Democratic Party. Whether or not it got through to him is still up for debate. Maybe I should ask him? Though, I’m pretty sure that he still thinks our President’s eyes glow like those of a lab rat. I would be willing to bet money, even.

“I figured for sure that he was the Anti-Christ, but it turns out that he CAN’T be!”

A couple of days later, my friends and I were at the Cleveland IHOP after seeing “Quantum of Solace.” The wait was terrible, as was the service and the food—all told, a pretty typical Friday night stop at IHOP! After a 45 minute wait at the door, we finally got a table. The lady who had greeted us when we walked in, then apparently forgotten about us, had on a walking boot. This wasn’t your typical boot, though. It had a gas shock on the back just like Robocop’s foot! Don’t worry, I didn’t point that out or laugh about it, I just silently referred to her as Robocop in my head.

Once we were finally at a table, I started telling my friends the story about my cousin and the video. I’m pretty loud (Surprise!) so apparently our would-be hostess heard me say “President” and “Anti-Christ.”

She hobbled from one end of the dining room over to our table and said “Hey! Y’all talkin’ ‘bout that president? Oh! I can’t remember his name! Y’all talkin’ ‘bout him?”

Yep. Sadly, we were, but I decided to play it dumb.

“Bush?” I asked. She simply shook her head.

“Wait. Are you talking about Clinton?” my brother-in-law offered.

“Oh! Nixon!” I suggested. She put her hands on her hips and informed me that she was talking about “that new one.”

Obviously tired of trying to remember our President-Elect’s name, she got right down to business. “I was real worried ‘bout that. I figured for sure that he was the Anti-Christ, BUT” she said while pointing both out and up with her index finger, “it turns out that he CAN’T be!” She was met with several blank stares, no doubt, and felt the need to explain herself.

“See, I talked to my preacher about that, and he told me that it said in the Bible that the Anti-Christ will never have known a woman. He’s got two kids, so that means that he can’t be it, so we’re okay!” With that, she walked back to the table from whence she came and never said another word about it. Honestly, it has been almost a year since that happened, and I am still not sure if she was serious or just messing with us.